


The Phantom Yearning

by Cellardoor26



Series: The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth [4]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: About every trope I could get away with, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst and Fluff, Best Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, HEA, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, There's only One Bed!, and they were roommates!, pg-13/R for reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:29:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25878199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cellardoor26/pseuds/Cellardoor26
Summary: “Just till I can make the first and last month’s rent for a new place.” Rey amended, reminding herself this would be a bad idea. She rested her head against Ben's throat and put her hands in his pockets; they were lined in some fur; sinfully warm and soft.“You can stay as long as you want.” And just for a moment Rey let herself pretend Ben knew that meant forever.___Final part of a Three Part Series, AU Fusion where Star Wars meets something similar to but not-quite-like our world. There will be pining, true love, true pain, adventure, puns, friendship, family drama, and since it's Rey's POV - so many descriptions of food.Now Complete! Go check out the first part of this series. It will hurt so good.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, But I do have a soft spot for Finn/Poe, Finn (Star Wars)/Everyone, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, so - Relationship
Series: The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864831
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

Rey was stubbornly optimistic. 

She’d decided this at a young age; so long as she had a place to sleep, food to eat, and strength in her bones Rey was committed to a sunny disposition and fierce optimism that would not cave to circumstance. 

However today’s circumstance threatened even her optimism, and Rey was scrubbing her face with Maz’s not very absorbent paper towels in a dark corner of the women’s bathroom, trying to hide the tell tale signs that she’d just spent the last five minutes sobbing so hard her chest was still heaving.

Say what you will about her childhood, it taught her to be very economical about her breakdowns; her friends were all sitting at a table and Ben was due to arrive in another two. 

Rey ignored the mirror as she splashed some water on her face, and then reached into the backpack she still took with her everywhere, quickly applying brown mascara and tinted chapstick. Rose and Phasma hated how low maintenance Rey’s look was, but Rey felt this was already a great compromise to what she used to do, which was nothing. 

Finally Rey looked into the mirror, checking to make sure it wasn’t obvious she’d had a breakdown; willing herself to smile. Ben had just taken the bar exam and she could handle a night pretending everything was fine. He deserved so much more than that. 

Rey slipped into a seat between Finn and Rose, dropping her backpack by her feet and grabbing a pitcher of beer and cup, idly wondering if there was an IV nearby to help speed this process along. She chugged her beer, listening as the table argued the merits of their favorite pizza places, trying to soak in their camaraderie and her usual feelings of joy. She was at a table of friends where she was wanted, where she belonged. 

“Remind me why we’re celebrating here?” A voice murmured in her ear, and Rey jumped, spilling the rest of her beer all over her shirt, which now had the distinct misfortune to be sticky and plastered to her frame. For the life of her Rey couldn’t remember if she’d put on a bra today. 

“Ben!” Rey exclaimed, reaching around to whack him. However Ben had wisely taken a step back, apparently aware of her intentions. Joy and exasperation lit her features; a common refrain when next to Ben. 

“My apologies,” Ben mused, staring down at her chest and not looking sorry in the least; it was rare to startle Rey. 

The table had momentarily grown silent at Rey’s reaction, and then erupted in congratulatory greetings at the sight of Ben. Phasma started throwing napkins at her, ever the pragmatist. Through the revelry Rey thought she heard Poe whistle, which could not stand. Rey tore her eyes away from Ben and turned to admonish him, but Ben grabbed her arm, forcing her to face him again. 

“You should get cleaned up; you can borrow my undershirt.” He said, his eyes riveted on her face and ears taking on the shade of pink that meant yes, she had forgotten to put on a bra today. She watched his jaw tighten and knew she needed to speed this along. 

“Right.” She said, trying to put down her now empty glass without twisting out of Ben’s awkward grip.

“Rey you can borrow my sweater!” Rose offered, leaning to grab it off the back of her chair. 

“She’s fine.” Ben said without a glance at Rose; it was well known in their friend group that Ben always wore at least two layers. It was also well known that Ben was fiercely possessive of Rey. Rey turned an apologetic look at Rose for Ben’s manners as she got up. 

“Oh hey will you-” Rey started, turning as much as Ben’s grasp would allow to ask Rose, but the table chorused with a synchronized 

“-we’ll watch your bag.” and even with the terrible cloud over her head her heart beat happily.

“My god these things are awful.” Rey moaned as she tried to wipe off the sticky beer with wet paper towels. Ben, who was tasked with keeping the bathroom door closed along with his eyes (“I mean it Ben, no peeking!”).

“Oh how the tension between capitalist profit margins and consumer’s increasing ire at their methods grows.” Ben explained, sounding as if he were in pain. Rey looked over and Ben was leaning against the bathroom door, his forehead resting against his arm, looking like an overgrown child counting for hide and seek. 

Except Ben was radiating tension, casually thumping his forehead against his arm, while his hands were clenched so tightly she could see white around his knuckles. Instantly Rey felt contrite, tonight was in his celebration and here he was holed up in a woman’s bathroom while she tried to get beer off her tits. Giving up on her chest Rey threw away the paper towels and placed her hand on Ben’s back. 

“I’m sorry Ben. We’ll finish the pitchers Poe ordered and you can pick the next spot for the night.”

Rey heard Ben sigh, his head stilling. 

“It’s fine. Now for the love of God put on my shirt.” Rey laughed at his tone and did as requested.

“All safe!” Rey exclaimed. She’d tucked his white undershirt into her pants to make it look less like a dress on her; still it was hopelessly baggy and nearly comical. In the grand scheme of things Rose’s sweater would have looked much nicer, but as she watched Ben turn around, his eyes crinkling and mouth curving into one of her favorite smiles Rey couldn’t find it within herself to mind. 

“C’mon! We’ve all made a pact to get you drunk tonight!” Rey beamed. Ben groaned, but it had lost the rancor from earlier and Rey’s heart fluttered. She was barely aware of grabbing his hand as she led him back to the group. 

It turned out another round had been ordered while they’d been gone, and someone (Phasma) had sweet-talked Teren to clean up the mess, because when they returned there were full pitchers of beer and a new seat. Rey squeezed Ben’s hand before dropping it, moving back to her spot between Rose and Finn, while he rounded the table and sat between Poe and Phasma. To Ben’s everlasting mortification the table quickly picked up a chant of his name; the group’s amazing (“God awful, Rey.”) tradition to cajole (“peer pressure.”) one of them into finishing their drink. Rey chanted a bit louder than she usually did, because while it was Ben’s night, Rey was still crushed from the news she’d gotten earlier that day, and a drunk Ben was one of her favorite sights to witness.

With a long suffering sigh Ben picked up his full cup and downed it as the group went wild. 

“So easily amused.” Was Ben’s caustic response, but his eyes shone as he watched Rey laugh into Rose’s shoulder. 

“Fill up his cup Poe!” Rose called out, while the group turned to Finn, chanting his name and catcalling as he finished his glass. 

Finn had just finished wiping his mouth when Ben’s name was called again. Generally every name was chanted before repeats, but just as Rey had gleefully warned, the group was trying to inebriate Ben, who was leaning back with crossed arms and the set of his jaw that meant complete refusal. Rey caught his eye and pleaded with him without breaking stride with the chanting, but something must have shown on her face because with an exaggerated eye roll he downed his newly refilled glass. The sound the group made at this display was so loud they nearly overpowered everyone else in the place, and Rey was so pleased had she been next to Ben she would have kissed him. Well, she wouldn’t have, but her cheeks heated at the thought anyway. 

And thus everyone had a turn to get exceedingly drunk. Ben’s name was chanted no less than five times before they settled their tab and made their way to the next step. Even Rey had only been able to cajole him into drinking another beer, but it was far more than he usually did, and the group was exceedingly merry as they got ready to leave. 

“Ben I can’t believe you drank three beers! That must be a new record! How are you feeling? Are you lightheaded? Do you feel a sudden yet intense urge to dance?” Rey asked after she’d finally caught up. With his long legs and disdain for their behavior he’d already made it a block ahead of the group. 

“Hmm.” Ben noted as he looked down at Rey, clearly not amused. “Are you going to tell me why you were crying in the bathroom before I arrived?” Rey stumbled for a moment, and Ben grabbed her arm, keeping her from falling but not breaking their stride. 

“I wasn’t!” She lied, “Why would I? Today’s a happy day!” Ben brushed his hand through his hair, and let go of her arm once he was sure she wouldn’t stumble. When the silence stretched on Rey released a sigh not unlike the one he’s made earlier. “I was going to mention it tomorrow. Well the news, not the..” Rey wanted to ask how he’d been able to tell, but she wasn’t sure she’d like his answer. Or like it too much. 

“Tell me now.” His tone was demanding yet reserved. Most people assumed Ben was furious when his voice took on this edge, but Rey knew Ben was worried; Rey’s news was never good. To prolong the moment Rey made a show of zipping up her coat more tightly, and then hooking the buttons that went over the zipper, and finally smoothed out the straps of her backpack. She could see Ben’s fists clenching and unclenching, and decided she’d put them through enough. 

“I’m going to be homeless on Monday.” That stopped Ben in his tracks. 

“Why- What happened- Are you getting enough hours at Maz’s?” It was a testament to how frazzled Ben was that he spoke in fragments. Rey grabbed his arm and started pulling him again, not wanting the rest of the group to overhear. 

“I am getting enough hours, thank you; it’s my stupid bastard of a roommate. Are you sure you don’t want to wait until tomorrow?”

“Yes.” Ben was not amused. 

“Right. Apparently she hasn’t been paying her half of the rent for over three months, and you know who owns my building, and they don’t give a damn that I have. Even with both our names on the lease they’re going to kick me out because of her.” Rey paused, and then said in a rush, “And they’re going to keep the last month and security deposit in lieu of her rent.” 

Ben swore in Basic, his voice soft. He’d done it mostly for her benefit; when he was really angry he tended towards the guttural Huttese, but Rey had always preferred the more romantic languages. Still, Rey was angry to make Ben curse at all, and Rey was filled with a sense of morose helplessness. No matter how much changed, too much stayed the same. 

“The worst part is that the cunt knew about this for weeks and had no intention of telling me. If I hadn’t come across the final eviction notice..” Rey trailed off, she couldn’t look at Ben. Though he was known for being thoughtlessly taciturn and occasionally bad tempered, Rey knew it was mostly due to social awkwardness and being uncomfortable around people. It was only when he felt hurt that he truly lashed out. Still, if he gave her the “I told you so” from when she’d spotted her apartment listing and he insisted it was a bad idea (“it’s fully furnished Ben! And there’s a bed!” “It’s a goddamned futon Rey.”) Rey would cry, and she couldn’t cry again.

“You’ll stay with me.” The words sounded from the fantasy she’d had this morning, when her situation had finally sunk in. She had imagined falling into his arms, kissing his face all over as she said yes.

“I can’t.” Rey was complicated even to herself. 

Ben pulled her into a bus shelter, waving at the group to go on without them. “It’s only logical.” he continued, tucking stray hair behind her ears in the way she loved but refused to recognize. He ducked down, trying to match her gaze, but Rey looked away, desperate as she was to look at him. “Sweetheart,” Rey, despite herself, choked back a sob, she could never handle Ben being sweet to her. He continued, his voice achingly soft; “Everyone else lives in the dorms. Security will kick you out in a few days. And even if you did stay with them, none are equipped with kitchens, how would you eat?” Rey took a deep breath, her eyesight holding level with his chin. Everything Ben had said Rey had told herself earlier that day. Still, how could she explain it to him? 

“There’s only one bed.” 

That was not what she meant, but would do in a pinch. 

“So you’ll wear socks, and I’ll try not to take up all the space. We’ll adapt.” Rey laughed without meaning to, already imagining it.

“My feet aren’t that cold.” 

“They are. Your extremities aren’t capable of holding heat; I’m pretty sure you descend from lizard people.” 

“Hmm. Perhaps that explains leaving me with Plutt.” One moment Rey was staring at Ben’s neck and the next she was being pressed against it, desperately hugged. Now Rey did cry, fighting against wrapping her arms around him, fighting against kissing his neck, just fighting. 

“Rey.” Ben ran his hands over her back, tucked underneath her backpack. Despite her thick coat she felt every movement, every caress. “You have to stay with me. You can’t go back to Luke’s. I.. I forbid it.” Despite herself Rey was amused, and surprised she hadn’t considered returning to Luke’s home. 

“You forbid it?” Rey asked, feeling somewhat drunk on Ben’s nearness and constant touching. She wondered idly if it would be weird to take off her coat. 

“Yes.” 

“Well alright then.” The smart thing to do would be to go live with Luke. He and Ben were in a marginally less antagonistic place, and Ben could be persuaded to visit her while she stayed with Luke. But Rey couldn’t find it within herself to take the sensible approach when she could feel Ben all around her. 

“Just till I can make the first and last month’s rent for a new place.” Rey amended, reminding herself this would be a bad idea. She rested her head against Ben’s throat and put her hands in his pockets; they were lined in some fur; sinfully warm and soft. 

“You can stay as long as you want.” And just for a moment Rey let herself pretend Ben knew that meant forever.

Two blocks ahead a drunk group made way for the Way Station. 

“Are those idiots still hugging at the bus stop?” Phasma asked as she swiped through her phone. Without looking around Poe nodded, 

“Oh definitely.”

“Maker, they just need to sleep together already.” Rose laughed, 

“You think they’ll be less intense once they do?” 

“I’m pretty sure it’ll take a miracle to find out.”


	2. 2

Rey was overheated, her arms were straining from the overstuffed bags she half-carried half-dragged, the bus she’d taken was so packed she hadn’t been able to sit, and she was so happy she was only slightly rankled.

Because standing in front of her was Ben’s building, and soon it would be her home. Temporary living situation Rey reminded herself. 

Before Rey could continue that thought the doorman at Ben’s building shuffled her inside. 

“Miss Rey, how are you this fine afternoon? May I help you with your bags?” 

“Oh thanks Trom, but it’s fine; I’m just going up to Ben’s. Thank you!” Rey called over her shoulder as she walked through the building’s foyer. She had been to Ben’s apartment so often she only smiled at the man at the front desk (which was not returned) before making her way to the elevator. 

She’d only just dropped her bags on the floor of the elevator when the doors swished open, and Rey cursed at the efficiency of the lift. With a grunt Rey pulled on her duffle bags, giving up the pretense of carrying them. She’d only just dragged them to Ben’s door when it swung open, and an irate Ben was looking at her. 

“I could hear your grunting from my bedroom.” Rey laughed without meaning to. Dressed in his gym clothes and with one earbud in, it was more likely she’d caught him just before he’d gone down to his building’s gym. 

“I very much doubt that.” 

“You could have messaged me when you were close, it would have been easier for me to bring them up.“ Now Ben sounded petulant, with crossed arms. 

“My hands were full.” Ben scoffed at her, his eyes running over the planes of her face, noting her flushed cheeks, frazzled hair, and labored breath. “Ben, you can help me now,” He was looking at her like he’d very much like to shut the door on her instead. There was something wrong with Rey that she was fond of him like this, slightly angry with her and in a disagreeable mood. It was just so easy to remember him when they were young, arms crossed and purposefully ignoring her. “C’mon. My arms are about to fall off.” 

After a long moment Ben stepped aside, and Rey smiled at him as she stepped over her bags, grabbing onto his arm to steady herself. Unzipping her coat and letting it (along with her backpack) fall on his favorite seat in the common room Rey looked around. Ben’s apartment was nice by anyone’s standards, and leagues above what she considered acceptable. Dark woods, soft leather and stainless steel appliances were the makeup of his apartment. But it was his huge windows taking up most of the walls that she loved. Ben shouldn’t have been able to afford it as an intern at a law firm but somehow (with his exceedingly rich parents) he’d managed a corner apartment. He liked to complain that it didn’t have a balcony, but it was mostly done so he could watch Rey war within herself about whether to yell at him or not. Of course the feature Rey loved most about his place she’d never been able to truly experience, his luxurious, jet stream tub. Incidentally it was large enough to fit both of them, not that she’d had elaborate fantasies about it. 

Trying to distract herself from the pervasive thought Rey turned to her plants.

“Oh how are you doing my lovelies?” Rey asked as she came close to her prized collection of greenery. They were the first things she bought to go into the apartment she’d just left, sure it would give the homely vibe she’d missed most of her life. Of course it turned out her basement room didn’t get enough light and they were nearly dead when Ben offered to let her house them at his place, with near floor to wall windows the plants had thrived and were looking glorious. “Ben you have such a green thumb!” Rey called over her shoulder as she inspected each plant for any sign of neglect; none were to be found. 

“Somehow.” Ben called out as he brought her bags to his bedroom. If it were possible he sounded even angrier with her. 

“Oh Ben I figured I’d put those…” Rey trailed off as she followed after him, “You cleaned out half your closet.” She said in wonder. Ben dropped her bags on the floor, and indeed he had. 

Rey had only been in this room twice before; once when she was still living at Plutts, Ben had been terribly sick and she’d spent the whole time cajoling him to drink more liquids, and the second was after he’d returned, when she’d been so drunk she’d insisted on sleeping with him. It probably would have done her psyche better if she’d tried to have sex with him, but instead she’d spent the whole night with her head on his chest, limbs twisted together, listening to his unsteady heartbeat and feeling his fingers trail over her back. Whenever Rey would think about getting over Ben she’d remember that night and any allure of being free from him was lost. 

As if remembering that night Ben’s voice lost most of its edge “And this half of the dresser.” He added. Rey just looked at him. At only a moment of her scrutiny she saw his cheeks tinge with pink with a small shrug to make testament that it was of little importance. But of course it was. Nearly stumbling over her bags she grasped his wrist.

“Thank you.”

“It’s immaterial.” Rey smiled at him, wondering if that was a pun; he could be so subtle. Ben leaned down, his eyes searching hers, and Rey smelled his deodorant. She let the moment stretch on, feeling a keen sense of embarrassment that left her lightheaded. It was only when she felt his breath on her face, cool, minty, and worryingly close that she spoke. 

“You know this is the first time I’ve had a closet with a door on it?” Contrary to what the gang thought Rey was perfectly aware of how uncomfortable it made other people when she made comments that highlighted how she grew up. Ben rolled her eyes and lifted his arm to run it through his hair, effectively letting her know he didn’t care about her poor Annie background while also dislodging her hand. Rey felt the disappointment that plagued her whenever she ruined a moment between them, but reminded herself this was for the best. 

“Make sure you close that door when you finish putting your things away.” His tone had returned, but Rey didn’t mind. “I’m gonna hit the gym. You can put your duffle bags in the hallway closet when you’re done. And if you’re still carrying my lightsaber in your backpack put it in the safe when you’re here.” Rey rankled at his possessive modifier, and then forced herself not to restart their tired argument, nodding instead. She bent down to unzip her black duffle, feeling him tower over her, as if waiting for something. “I also cleared out some room in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.”

“You’re the best.” She told him as she stared at her duffle. Even though she’d packed this bag so many times she could go through it in the dark she wasn’t sure what she was looking at. With a long suffering sigh Ben left her. 

One perk of spending your childhood hopelessly packing and unpacking your bags, waiting for parents who never showed up was Rey’s packing skills; even with her large duffles Rey had finished unpacking in twenty minutes flat. Shoving them into Ben’s hall closet Rey tried to muster the energy to start on her Calc II homework. Truly the bathtub was calling to her, and she had a strong desire to wash off the faint smell of french fries that clung to her after every shift at Maz’s Bar and Grill. Except Ben hadn’t said whether he was doing a circuit or a full workout, and so he could be home at any time in the next hour. It felt wrong to spurn his advances and take his bathroom away from him. 

Rey absentmindedly took her hair out of its lackluster bun before piling her hair back on her head and grabbing her books and clunky mobile computer from her backpack, making her way to Ben’s desk. 

Rey was midway through problem three when she heard BB-9E start playing Ben’s angry workout music, so her head was turned when he walked through the door. Rey nearly stopped breathing. Ben was covered in sweat and in the process of taking off his shirt. Were Rey a true best friend she would have jokingly chided him for starting to take his shirt outside his door (“Really Ben, what do you neighbors think!”), but her gaze followed his chest and as he breathed, it trailed down to his stomach. 

“When did you get an eight pack?” She asked without conscious thought. She’d also gotten out of his chair, and walked until she was in touching distance. A pen was still in her hand, and she absentmindedly tucked it into her bun as her hand moved on its own accord to touch his chest. He was, Maker, he was chiseled! How had she never felt this through their inconsistent yet chest heaving hugs? Rey was so far gone she didn’t notice Ben turn off the music, nor watch her hand as it skimmed across his chest. He’d even spoken, making fun of her phrase, but Rey was none the wiser. 

Throughout this entire daze her eyes had jumped all over his chest and stomach, turning often to the waistband of his shorts, which were hanging dangerously low. She wasn’t sure if she saw the beginnings of dark hair, or if her imagination was supplying it. 

Her fingers were gliding over his belly button when Ben snapped her out of her daze. 

“Rey move; I’m obviously repellent and need a shower.” Rey’s eyes rose to meet him.

“Oh yes,” She agreed, “Totally repellent.” He huffed out a laugh at that and then grabbed her arms, turning them both around until they were on opposite sides when he realized she had no intention of moving. He hands traveled up to her shoulders, squeezing once before turning around, giving Rey an excellent view of the planes of his back. It was a sin that his shorts were so baggy she couldn’t make out any further. And it was not totally rational to follow Ben to the bathroom, but she felt as though she were in a fever dream, not in control of her actions. 

Ben looked at her as he made to shut the door, an eyebrow raised

“Water conservation on your mind?” Rey could generally keep up when Ben waxed metaphor but she had no idea what he meant, by her look he added; “Are you meaning to join me?” Rey’s mouth made a small circle and her eyes jumped to his in surprise. No, she thought, no no no 

“Well maybe...” She trailed off, her head spinning. Ben laughed at her and leaned down; all thoughts save him had fled from her and she leaned into him, her eyes fluttering shut.

“You’ll need to take me on a date first.” Rey growled without meaning to, and groped for the door handle, effectively shutting the door in her own face. God she could be so mortifying sometimes. 

So far gone was Rey, she briefly yet thoroughly considered closing the door to his bedroom and using her hand to make herself come in his sheets, surrounded by the smell of him. However she was not so far gone she couldn’t admit that she wasn’t entirely sure she could be quiet in that situation, and her embarrassment was quite complete as was thank you, so Rey turned to the kitchen instead, determined to wield a knife. 

“Luke!” Rey responded as she settled her phone between her shoulder and cheek, inordinately pleased he’d called. “How’s everything?” 

“Fairly well. We had a few new students come in. They asked me if it was true that I trained Rey of Jakku, which made me want to check on the legend herself.” 

“Legend huh?” Rey asked, dropping the last of the vegetables into the pan and then setting down the cutting board so she could stir and hold her phone more comfortably. 

“That’s what the younglings say. Are you cooking?”

“Don’t sound so surprised!” Rey admonished, and then ruined her tone by laughing, “I’m over at Ben’s, but I’ll have you know he’s in the shower so this meal will be made entirely by me.” While it was always a gambit to mention Luke to Ben, it didn’t hold true the other way around.

“He’s a brave man.” Rey laughed again.

“Well he doesn’t know I’m cooking, so we’ll see how brave he is when he gets out.” And then before Luke could ask her any leading questions she changed the subject. “I’m actually crashing by Ben for a bit.”

“Oh?” Only Luke could convey so much with so little said. Rey gave an exhaustive, yet short, recitation of her housing situation, adding whatever spices her hands reached to the stir fry. 

“Rey, you’re always welcome here.” 

“I really appreciate that.” Rey said, touched beyond belief. She wondered how to explain her reasoning without giving anything away, “But Ben’s place is on a direct bus line to school, and within walking distance to Maz’s.”

“Hm, and being able to play house with the man you love is just a bonus?” Rey nearly dropped her phone. Moronically she spun around, checking to make sure Ben couldn’t hear. The shower had shut off, but the bathroom door was still shut. Rey purposefully began cleaning the counter. 

“You’re getting more direct in your old age.” Rey teased, her heart returning to its normal beat. 

“A curse of aging -” Rey missed the rest of whatever Luke said because at that moment the bathroom door opened and Ben came into the living room, only wearing a towel. For Rey’s sanity she spun around, refusing to look but unable to stop herself from straining to hear Ben walk around. The close of the bedroom door sounded loud to her ears, “Are you listening, Rey?” Luke sounded amused. 

“Yes sorry! Actually I missed all of that. Could you repeat?” 

“It’s not important. Are you still working at Maz’s tomorrow afternoon? I thought I might stop by to say hello.” 

“Yeah, come by anytime after 2. The gang’s coming for a drink after six, just as a fyi.”

“What will you all do if Maz starts carding?” Luke asked. Ben came outside of the bedroom, dressed in sweats and a black jumper. It was obvious he knew who she was speaking to by the way he gave her a wide berth as he went to check on the food. 

“Probably save a ton of money.” Rey responded, “I have to go, if you text me when you’re close to Maz’s tomorrow I can time my break for when you’re there.”

“Sounds good. Stay safe Rey.”

“I will; love you.” Rey hung up and turned to Ben as she placed her phone on the counter. He was holding the spoon to his lips, a thoughtful look on his face. “How is it?”

“Fine.”. 

“You can spice it.” Rey offered. As a general rule Rey ignored Ben when he became monosyllabic about her cooking, but interacting with Luke around Ben always made Rey feel a bit on edge. 

“That’s not necessary.” With a forced air of nonchalance Ben grabbed two bowls and began portioning the food. Rey reminscined the time they’d screamed at each other in Leia and Han’s library, when they’d furiously crossed blades, intending to main. In some ways that was an easier time. Rey stood next to Ben and stilled his hand. 

“Ben, are you upset with me?”

“No.” He dropped the spoon, turning his hand so he was holding hers. 

“Because you seem upset.” 

“I- it’s not with you.” It was obvious who he meant. Rey trudged along, asking a question she didn’t want the answer to. 

“Yes but, are you upset I’ve forgiven him?”

“How could I be?” It was also obvious what he was referring to. 

“So what’s wrong? Do you not want me to talk to him around you?” Ben brought her hand to his lips, kissed it chastely, and then let it go, resuming his work. 

“You can do whatever you want.” It was like talking to a very attractive wall. 

“I know that. I’m asking what you want.” 

“I want to eat dinner with Rey Skywalker and complain about how long it takes to get the results of a test that are electronic, and therefore should be graded immediately. And then I want to watch whatever latest trash holo show you and Rose are obsessed over while mocking it. And then I want to help you with your calculus homework so we can go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Can we do that?” Rey looked at Ben in amazement, that was so much better than she'd hoped. 

“Yes, let’s do that.”

As Rey laid in a decadent bed, feet clad in socks, listening to the rhythm of Ben's breathing, she wondered how such a terrible turn of events could turn into such exquisite torture; to be so near him and yet so far. Rey shifted until she faced Ben, watching the moonlight light his features, close enough to smell his body wash yet too far to feel the heat that always seemed to radiate from him. She wondered whether she was just fooling herself and torturing them both. 

"May I ask you a question?" 

"A second question?" Ben's lip quirked, a sure sign she'd amused him and he didn't want to be.

"Since when have you told Luke you loved him?" 

Oh. That.

"Um, maybe a few days after you left." Ben's eyes opened. 

"What prompted it?" Rey didn't like talking about that time in her life, but she did it for him. 

"When I was discharged from the hospital Luke showed up to come get me. I think he knew that if he hadn't I would have gone back to Unkar's."

"Why?" Rey turned onto her back, staring at the ceiling. 

"After everything, the world was so different. I didn't really know who I was without you, or without struggling to survive with Unkar, or without waiting for my parents to reappear. I was having this crisis in the hospital room, knowing that I couldn't go back but I just desperately wanted to- and Luke appeared, and he let me scream and rage as long as I wanted to, and then he took me back to his house." Rey turned her head to face Ben, and saw that he didn't really understand what she meant. 

"I'd never really yelled at Luke before. Not like that. A part of me had always been afraid that if I was anything less than his perfectionist student he wouldn't care about me anymore. And that day, the things I said, it would have put any of your tempers to shame. But even after everything Luke just took my bag and brought me home. And after that I felt like it was safe to let myself be open with him." Rey watched the moment Ben understood, recognition lifting his features. 

"You could rage at me if you'd like." Rey let out a light chuckle. 

"But I've already told you I love you." Ben hummed in response, but his eyes swept through the distance between them, and Rey fell asleep before his breathing changed from thoughtful to peaceful


	3. 3

Rey woke up to the sound of Ben’s alarm. She was blissfully warm, resting in a bed so comfortable she’d made up an ode about it, and so well cocooned in a blanket only her forehead could be seen. 

Unfortunately even Ben’s down comforter couldn’t muffle the sound of his alarm, and Rey reached out an arm to shake Ben awake. 

It produced no results. 

“Ben.” Rey whined, exaggerating his name so that no less than five ns were vocalized, “I don’t need to be awake yet. Turn that off.”. At last this produced a reaction and Ben fumbled for his phone, hitting snooze and rolling over. 

On top of Rey. 

“Better?” He asked. His voice was scratchy with sleep, and Rey could feel his breath on her neck. She could also feel the weight of his body on hers, his hand curling around her side, and oddly found herself wishing there wasn’t a blanket between them. 

“I don’t understand how you can have such issues with waking up and falling asleep.” Rey groused, her one freed limb coming up to pull him off. 

“Just lucky.” He hummed into her neck. Rey’s hand stilled on his shoulder. She wondered if it could be construed as platonic to ask him to do that again. 

“Do you want me to make you coffee?” Rey asked, voice a bit higher than normal. 

“I thought you didn’t need to be awake.” Ben asked. He certainly sounded more awake, and his body tensed, as though realizing where he was lounging.

“Oh well, I’m up now.” Rey squeezed her eyes shut, wondering why she said that. They both knew Rey could fall asleep at the drop of a hat. 

“No, stay.” He decided, his body still tense. “I want to get a set in before I break my fast anyway.” 

“Ben, that is insane.” He chuckled into her neck, and Rey bit back a moan. 

“It’s how to maintain an eight pack.” Rey groaned, and she used her free hand to pull him off. Ben let her, and he sat up, rubbing his face. Rey settled more comfortably into the mattress, reminding her limbs not to pull him back on top of her.

“Are you working late tonight?” Rey asked, even though he’d already told her that everyone would be expected to work late for the week. 

“Mhm. I made a key for you, it’s hanging up on the fridge so you don’t miss it before you leave today.” His tone was teasing, nearer to chiding than endearment, but Rey felt such a swell of affection for Ben it nearly overran her reasoning. She had such an overwhelming urge to pull him back down, to show him how much she appreciated him. It was only habit that stopped her. 

“Thanks.” She said instead. It was such a pale comparison to what she wanted to say. 

“Sleep well.” He tossed over his shoulder as he got out of bed. 

“Finn babe, want to share your thoughts with the class?” Poe asked, eyes on Finn’s form as he watched the man stare morosely at the drink he was supposed to be making for Poe. Rey and Finn were working the same shift, which usually meant they’d spend the whole time laughing and joking, the gang clustered around them, but Finn had been in a mood the whole shift and only Poe had made an appearance. 

“Guys, I fucked up.” Poe and Rey’s gaze met, and Rey made a gesture to let Poe handle this. 

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Poe said assuredly, leaning forward to clasp a hand on his shoulder.

“Rose asked me out and I panicked and told her I had to do laundry.” 

“Oof.” Rey couldn’t disguise her response, and Poe shook his head at her. 

“I just wasn’t expecting her to do that! I mean, I haven’t really thought about her that way, but I’m not saying I wouldn’t think about her that way, but now she definitely thinks I’m not interested! I totally blew it.”

“Well-” Poe started, unsure where his sentence was going but not letting that stop him, “If you think you could like her you should just go up and kiss her. Y'know, test it out.” 

“What?! Finn, if Rose asked you out she must really like you. You should honor that by taking some time to be sure of your feelings.” Rey ignored Poe’s scoff, resting her hand on Finn’s, “I’m sure if you let Rose know what you’re thinking she’ll be understanding.”

“Don’t listen to Rey, her not-a-relationship with Ben has distorted her idea about how people take to being left on the hook-”

“Hey! It’s not like that.” Rey burst out, righteous indignation warring with the fact that Poe was more right than not. 

“Please, you’re going to be pregnant with his twins and still just friends.”

“That’s… that’s inane!” 

“Says the woman who’s living platonically with the man she doesn’t even have the decency to be secretly in love with!” 

“Guys!” Finn cut in, “Can we focus on me please?” Poe and Rey went from enraged to chagrined.

“Sorry Finn, how can we help?” Poe asked, tossing a look to Rey that said look what you've done. Rey wished she had a dirty rag to throw at his face. 

“I don’t know!” Finn moaned. “I don’t want to hurt Rose, especially if she really likes me.” The group lapsed into silence. Poe removed his hand from Finn’s shoulder with another squeeze, and then looked around the room, searching for something to say to comfort Finn. His thought process was quickly derailed. 

“I don’t think you’ll need to worry about that.” Poe said in a strangled voice, gesturing to a darkened corner. Finn and Rey turned to look, and quickly wished they hadn’t. 

At first Rey could only make out two people enthusiastically kissing, one partner comically smaller, yet clearly the aggressor, pushing her paramour against the wall of the bar.

“Is that?” Rey asked, the thought unwilling to form. 

“It can’t be.” Finn breathed out. Rey shook her head, not wanting to believe it. Rose Tico was aggressively kissing Armitage Hux, pressing him against the wall as if to meld the two. 

All three were staring in horror as Phasma joined them.

“Go Rose.” She noted. 

Theoretically Rey knew where Ben worked. He’d pointed it out to her on a drive to his apartment, and she knew what floor he was on because of the time he’d complained about the fire drill he’d done (“They made us walk down seven floors!”), but Rey had never had a reason to show up before. Especially so late at night. Until she’d seen Hux and Rose make out for over an hour. After that display she needed the normalcy of Ben, and didn’t want to wait until he’d come home. 

“You never told me you had an office!” Rey announced as she opened an office door. In perfect synchronicity Ben and another person looked up from mounds of paperwork to meet her. It struck her as immensely funny, and a bright grin lit her features, “Oh hey Mitaka right? We met once before, I’m Rey in case you’ve forgotten.”

“What are you doing here?” Ben asked, his tone brusque. Rey didn’t take it personally, Ben was always abrupt when someone broke his concentration. 

“I brought you dinner from Maz! I had a feeling Mitaka would be here too, so I brought loads - if you’re hungry?” Rey asked, turning to Mitaka at the end of her sentence. 

“I could eat.” Mitaka offered, already stacking papers to clear space. 

“Great.” Rey said, unloading her offerings on a desk. Ben made no move to clear a space nor help, but he didn’t go back to his paperwork, so Rey called it a win. 

“Look Ben, I got your favorite - mashed potatoes, with extra gravy, even though that is like the weirdest thing on the menu.” Rey turned to Mitaka, who was looking at her attention in growing unease. “There’s also an order of wings, I feel like I remember you going back for seconds at the barbeque last summer?”

“You remember that?”

“Rey has an uncanny memory for food.” Ben added helpfully, his tone dark. Rey smiled at the compliment anyway. 

“Guilty as charged..” Rey agreed, standing in front of Ben to set down the last of the containers. Mitaka eyed the distance between the pair and stood up. 

“Oh, I can - I think I’ll go eat in the break room.” 

“Are you sure? I can sit..” Rey realized with a start that there weren’t any other seats in the room, “on Ben’s lap.” Normal friends did that, right?

“That won’t be necessary.” Mitaka grabbed a random assortment of food, forgot any utensils, and scurried away. Rey looked at Ben in surprise.

“Is he afraid of you?”

“More like enamored with someone else.” A pause, then, “To what do I owe this pleasure?” 

“Can’t a friend bring another friend dinner when they know they’ll be working late?” She dragged Mitaka’s chair closer to Ben, opening the remaining containers. 

“You just worked a double shift, no one wants to serve more food after that.” Rey was forced to agree with that. 

“Tonight, when we were at Maz’s, Rose and Hux were making out, like hardcore hands sometimes under clothes making out.” Rey watched Ben to see the effect of her words. She was not disappointed. 

“Ugh, why?”

“Right? The guy’s a dick. And get this! Rose asked out Finn earlier that day!” Ben looked at her in surprise. 

“Does Rose like Finn?”

“I guess so. I mean, they fooled around once when they met, apparently they were really drunk at some party, but nothing happened, and she hasn’t said anything to me about it.”

“Busy night for Rose.” 

“Yeah.” Rey chewed slowly, not really hungry but never one to turn down food. She was tired, and her eyes were caught in a gaze, staring at Ben’s loosened tie and unbuttoned collar. 

“I can’t imagine kissing Hux.”

“That makes two of us.” Rey’s gaze flicked up to Ben’s, and she smiled slowly. “No.”

“No what?”

“No I’m not going to answer whatever insane scenario you’re thinking up right now.”

“I’m just saying, if you had to make out with one of the guys, who would it be?”

“Why would I be forced to make out with someone?”

“I don’t know, fate of the world. Maybe you’re poisoned and their spit is the only antidote.” Ben’s face showed exactly how pleased he was by that idea. Rey laughed in delight. 

“And I can’t kiss a female member of our group.” Ben’s voice was deceptively light. 

“Of course not.” Rey answered, her smile gone. 

“Couldn’t they just spit in an open wound?” Rey forgot her irascibility. 

“Why would you have an open wound?!”

“Why am I poisoned and in need of magically healing spit?” Rey lost it and laughed so hard her stomach hurt. Every time she thought she had it under control she’d look at Ben’s face, embarrassed and pleased in equal measure, and she’d go off again. 

“You’re exhausted.” He said, when Rey had finally calmed down and was wiping tears from her eyes. 

“Yeah.” Rey agreed, “Maybe I’ll crash on the floor while you and Mitaka finish up for the night.”

“There’s a couch in the break room.”

“I don’t know, where’s the joy in napping when you’re not worried someone’s gonna step on you?” Ben smiled at her, so genuine she could feel it all over. Rey had to look away, pretending she wanted some of Maz’s cherry pie. 

“You know there’s also an apartment you could go to, with a large comfortable bed all to yourself.” 

“I prefer my bed sleeping Ben adjacent.” Rey had not meant to say that. By Ben’s stuttering breath she knew he had heard her. Rey wanted desperately to take it back, but felt that would have made things worse. It would be best to play it off as a joke, but Rey’s mind was horribly blank. 

Mikata chose that moment to return, sheepish as though expecting a frosty response. Rey knew how that felt, and jumped out of his seat. She was also, possibly, happy for the interruption. 

“Hey Mikata, good timing! We just finished up.”

“Oh great - Kylo there’s a new email from Mr. Ellis, he wants us to hold off until tomorrow - something about a new line of questioning.” Mitaka spoke. 

“Lovely.” Ben responded, voice flat. 

“Hey Mitaka, do you want to take the rest of the wings home?” Rey asked, boxing everything up. 

“Thanks.” Mitaka looked her over as he took the carton from her hand, he seemed to be gearing up for something. “Do you need a ride to the bus?” 

“You’re so sweet! But I’ll just go home with Ben.” Mitaka visibly deflated. 

“You two…” 

“We live together.” Rey helpfully added, wondering what was wrong. 

“Oh.” Mitaka stiffly turned away from Rey, walked towards his briefcase, and left the room without a word. Rey raised an eyebrow at Ben, who shrugged in response. 

"Sorry that took so long!" Rose exclaimed as she tipped over a stack of books onto the table the gang had been camped out in for the past half hour. “Who’s ready for mindless research?” Muttered groans met her words; Phasma was looking at her phone, Poe and Finn were thumb wrestling, and Rey was smiling into her cup of coffee, lost in thought. Still, the sound of multiple tomes dropping near her was enough to disengage Rey from her musings, and she turned to Rose. 

“Thanks for getting those Rose - oh hi Hux.” Hux was standing behind Rose, a pile of books in his arms. The group watched in muted silence as Rose grabbed the books from his arms, and dumped them next to her pile. Rey liked to consider herself polite, so she refrained from adding ‘what the hell’ to her sentence. 

Phasma didn’t worry about such pleasantries. 

“Hux, to what do we owe the displeasure?” She didn’t look up from her phone.

“I invited him!” Rose explained, a bit too airily as she took her seat and pushed out one for the aforementioned male. 

"Why?” Poe added. His hand was loosely clasping Finn’s, thumb war forgotten. 

“Because we still need a sixth to finish this group project. And he has the best notes.” Rose added stiffly. This was true, yet. 

“Yeah but it’s Hux. We hate Hux.” 

“Don’t you all spend time with Benjamin Solo?” Hux responded. Rey, who had been scooting her chair over to allow more room, stilled. Even though this library belonged to a college, and was thus more rowdy than would seem based on its location, their table was near silent. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked, voice deceptively calm.

“Didn’t he belong to the First Order? He’s the walking stereotype of the senator’s son who can literally get away with murder.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Rey spat out, looking angry enough to brawl. Everyone at the table (Hux included) knew that could very well be where the night was headed if someone didn’t head it off. Hux opened his mouth, but Poe spoke before he could. 

“Hux, shut up. Don’t try to ingratiate yourself with us by being a dick about someone who’s not even here to defend themselves; this is a no assholes zone.” This was why Rey loved Poe. Rose was giving Hux a beseeching look, and he stiffly responded. 

“I apologize.” It was obvious he didn’t mean it. Finn squeezed Poe’s hand. 

“Whatever Hugs, keep yourself in line or we’ll remove your name when we turn this in.” 

And thus the next three hours were suffused with tension. 

“God Hux is such a dick.” was how Rey greeted Ben as she opened the car door. 

“Funny, that’s what you texted me barely an hour ago.” Ben responded, his eyes on Rey’s legs as he watched her get in

“Well it’s even more true now. Why did Rose invite him to work with us?” Ben’s eyes traveled up to meet Rey’s, and he raised an eyebrow. The implication set in. “You can’t think she actually wants to date him. She literally just asked out Finn.” Ben chose this moment to drop a take out bag on Rey’s lap. 

“Maybe she appreciates reciprocated entanglements.” Rey ignored Ben in favor of opening the bag, nose wrinkling in delight as she saw its contents. 

“Oh you are amazing, Ben Organa Solo.” Rey missed the effect her words had on him, eyes closed as she brought an egg roll to her mouth. She also missed the way he responded to her moan as she chewed. She was reaching for another roll, other hand grabbing the seat belt when she made sense of what he said. The click of the seat belt sounded unnaturally loud in her ears. 

“Yeah but, with Hux?” Rey asked, mystified. Ben pulled away from the curb. 

“It’s not outside the realm of possibility.” 

“I guess.” Rey shook her head, not wanting to continue the line of thought any further. “Guess who got invited to a fancy dinner in your honor?” Ben groaned. “Your mom was worried I might be working, but I told her I’d get the night off.” Ben groaned louder. “She also asked me to make sure you’d show up on time.” Ben braked harder at a red light than he needed to. Rey looked over at him, and wiped her hand on her jeans before touching his knee. The you ok? was silent, but Ben heard it just the same. 

“She’s insistent on this grand gesture, nevermind that I don’t receive my results for another seven weeks, and they refuse to believe I’d rather do nothing.” Rey nodded. 

“They’re just proud of you. I’m proud of you, you’ve come so far.” Ben rolled his eyes, but his mouth softened. Rey squeezed his knee, she’d seen Poe do it to Finn earlier, when Hux had been baiting him, and it seemed to have calmed him down. 

Ben glanced down at her hand on his knee; he didn’t look calm. Rey retracted her hand like it was burnt. “I wiped off the grease!” She cajoled. He held her gaze long enough for Rey to realize that she’d read the situation wrong, but the light turned green, and the cars behind them honked, so Rey lost whatever train of thought her mind was rumbling to.

“Incidentally,” Ben began, his foot on the gas, speaking as though nothing of consequence has occurred, “Did you let them know you were staying with me?” 

“Oh. No, I mean, kind of? Your mom called when I was doing laundry and I asked her some questions about etiquette, because you know, your laundry system is insane -” 

“-Just because I don’t dump everything into the same load without rhyme or reason-”

“-And she wanted to know why I was doing your laundry with mine in the first place-”

“-You did my laundry?” 

“Yes! I mean, you don’t care that we’re using the same hamper, but then I was worried I was messing up by washing them together, so I checked in with your mom, and after she stopped laughing at me she said you wouldn’t mind, and asked why I was doing my laundry at your place anyway.” 

“Ah.”

“Was it a secret?” Rey asked, after the silence had stretched past her comfort, which was only two seconds long.

“No.” Rey knew that really meant not exactly. She waited for the explanation to follow. And then promptly wished she hadn’t. “They’re just confused, and things had calmed down, but when they heard you moved in they thought we’d gotten together and just hadn’t told them.” Rey’s mind processed what he’s said easily, but her heart reeled at the implication. She couldn’t get over the idea that Han and Leia would want them to be together after everything. “Don’t worry, I set them straight.” 

Rey desperately wanted to ask for a play-by-play of that conversation, but she was afraid that would lead to them talking about why they weren’t together, and she knew she couldn’t handle that conversation again. The last time had left her in a crying jag for two days straight. 

“Thanks.” Rey said, because she had to respond, and they were still turning into the apartment building’s garage, so she couldn’t have run away. Rey’s hand was on the door handle, body angled, impatient to get away from the heavy silence. She wondered how obvious it would be if she went on a run right now. Ben stopped the car, leaving the keys in the ignition so he could trap Rey’s hand on top of her seatbelt and under his.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He sounded so defeated. Rey couldn’t abide it. She turned towards Ben, her right hand settling back on his knee, hoping he understood how badly she wanted to comfort him. 

“No you - I want you to be honest with me. Even if it -” hurts “-’s hard to talk about.” Her eyes hovered around his right ear, and she wanted desperately to make eye contact, to prove she meant it. But Rey could only take so much. Ben’s voice was soft when he spoke.

“Rey, I’m content with how things are. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” 

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Because what she wanted to do and what he deserved were two completely different things.


	4. 4

Rey sat at Ben’s kitchen table, rubbing her eyes as she struggled to reread the textbook in front of her. Rey absentmindedly brought her cup of tea to her mouth, blanching when the drink was ice cold instead of the expected steaming hot, or even acceptable lukewarm. She remembered with a jolt that Ben had set it down before her when he’d gone to bed. Rey tapped her phone and grimaced at the time. With a sigh she closed the book, giving it a dirty look, and turned off the kitchen light. 

In the few weeks that they’d been sleeping in the same bed they’d relaxed somewhat. Rey had forgotten to put on socks, and Ben had borne it with few complaints, and Ben’s mattress hogging relaxed back to his status quo - Rey had once drawn him a picture of how his limbs spread out on the shared bed, to little avail. Still, there was bed spreading and there was this. 

Rey had just pulled the blanket up to her neck, sighing as she relaxed into her favorite position when an unintelligible murmur was heard, and an arm reached out, pulling her closer. 

The first time this had happened Rey had been frozen stiff, the second time her heart had beat in agitation against her breast, now Rey waited until Ben’s breathing evened out, and then settled so she could feel his breath on her neck, hand coming down to keep his arm in place, luxuriating in his nearness. It felt like a drug, to have his arm around her waist, to feel the rise and fall of his chest, to know she could fall asleep like this. She matched her breathing to his, and drifted off to sleep. 

Rey loved her group of friends with her whole heart, she would have braved the worst tundras, the deadliest of battlefields, the cruelest of fates, but what Rose was asking went a bit too far. 

“Rose, we love you, but going to a party at Hux’s house? Inside his home? With all of his awful friends? Listening to them make snide comments about us?” Rose shot a beseeching look Rey’s way at Poe’s words, but Rey kind of agreed with Poe. This sounded terrible. 

“Rose darling, we kind of thought you’d ‘hit it and quit it’ so to speak.” Phasma began, “And while it is amusing to see how whipped Hux is around you, to spend an evening in the company of his compatriots seems a bit extreme.”

“Hux straight up sucks.” Finn added.

“That’s what you said about Ben-” Rose exclaimed. 

“-Well Ben did suck.” Finn emphasized, eyeing Rey apologetically. Rey shrugged, Ben had a tendency to ignore the group and only talk to her, especially when he first came back.

“And we got used to him!” Rose continued. “Hux isn’t that bad. Did you know he has a cat that he adores? And he volunteers to teach math at an after-school program at the city library. And he always orders too much dessert when we go out and insists I take the leftovers home.” Rey could feel her resolve wavering. 

“Well maybe we can make an appearance-” Rey began, Phasma cut her off. 

“Rose, are you forgetting our brawl with Hux? How he sent men to beat up Finn?” 

“He’s already apologized for that! And he didn’t press charges against Rey.” 

“He couldn’t press charges.” Poe rebutted, “But it was pretty funny to watch him panic when Rey went hardcore scavenger on him.” 

“And he paid Finn’s debt to the Hutts!” Rose entreated, and then flushing at her statement, “Who he doesn’t interact with anymore. He’s really changed.” No one commented that a morally grey Hux was still a huge dick. To everyone’s surprise it was Finn who changed the tide of the conversation. 

“That brawl finally did wear down Rey into becoming our friend.” Finn said, a soft smile on his features. Rey grinned back at him. 

“Who knew our little bartender could fight like the Terminator?” Poe added. 

“See! I know he’s not our favorite person, but could you all try? For me? And Ben can come too!”

“What a joy for him.” Poe added flatly. But with Rose’s eyes on him he couldn’t refuse. “One hour! And if anyone says anything elitist we will mock them without mercy.” 

“You guys are the best!”

“Hello?” Ben sounded as though he hadn’t expected to hear her voice come from his end of the phone. Rey trudged up the stairs of Hux’s building, trying to remember if his apartment was 2B or not 2B. 

“Hey. Will you call me in like twenty minutes and yell at me that I need to come home and do the dishes?” There was a long pause, in which Rey remembered Hux lived on the third floor, and she unhappily made her way up another level. 

“Is that why there were clean dishes in the sink?” He sounded amused, which was not the tone she wanted when he called back. 

“It’s called method acting.” Rey explained, searching for the correct door. It was ajar, and Rey pushed inside, hoping she was late enough that the group was already into their cups and reaching their tolerance around Hux’s company. 

“I believe method acting would involve dirty dishes.” 

“At that point it’s just excessive.” Rey pointed out, pleased when she heard Ben’s answering hum of agreement. 

Rey could handle Hux by himself, but around his friends she felt all the old, misplaced feelings of unworthiness, uncomfortably made aware that she didn’t grow up like them. Rey took a deep breath, clearly audible over the phone, and pushed her way inside, looking for her group of friends. 

“No way.” She breathed out, still on the phone but looking at Ben. He was standing with Poe and a woman she didn’t recognize, bent over comically so Poe couldn’t speak into the phone. “You came?” Ben twisted around, crowding the mystery person to escape Poe. Their eyes locked. 

“Poe was persuasive.”

“Yeah but,” Last time they’d left one of these things Ben had gone on a twenty minute rant, with the word ‘sycophants’ uttered no less than five times, “you hate these things more than I do.” He shrugged a shoulder, phone still held to his ear even though she was now walking towards him, close enough that they could hear each other over the music if they yelled. “I bet Poe really appreciates it.” She said softly. 

“Rey? Is that Rey? Can you tell her to get her butt here?” Rey could hear over the phone. 

“Tell her yourself.” Ben said, gesturing in her direction. Rey winced at hearing Poe’s exclamation when he spotted her and then she was impressed by how quickly he moved, she hadn’t yet relaxed her shoulders and yet was swallowed up in a patented Poe hug. Generally Rey loved them, but depending on the amount of drinks Poe consumed his hands could.. wander. 

“I can’t believe Ben got here before you.” His hands stayed safely immovable, and so Rey hugged him back. 

“You and me both.” Poe gave one last squeeze, and then backed up to look at Rey. 

“He’s found a new groupie. She’s already picked out their wedding china.” Rey ignored this. She grabbed Poe’s hand and led them back to Ben. The other woman did seem a bit overly invested in Ben if body language could be judged.

“Where’s everyone else?”

“Phasma’s hanging with Rose and Hux, and Finn’s found someone from his old neighborhood. I’m not sure if they’re best friends or make out buddies.” 

“Pretty common for Finn.” Rey joked, coming to stand next to Ben, “Listen-” But Rey’s cautious reminder that she wasn’t going to stay long was lost by the squeal of a loud voice. 

“Oh my god Rey?!” Rey jerked back, the voice uncomfortably familiar, “Ben, this is Rey Plutt. Rey, this is Ben Solo.” The perky woman standing next to Ben hadn’t been so unknown after all.

“You two know each other?” Poe asked, confused because no one ever knew the mysterious Rey. 

“Bazine?” Rey guessed.

“Yes! We go way back. Are you dating Poe?” Bazine looked at their clasped hands, “We always thought you were asexual, you never seemed interested in anyone.” Rey looked at Bazine in confusion, wondering why she was a topic of conversation for people she never thought about. 

Poe spoke before Rey could question further.

“Ah, Rey and I are best friends, she’s tragically locked into a why-won’t-they-just-bang-already-dynamic of her own making.” Rey dropped Poe's hand, giving him a dirty look he ignored in favor of turning towards Bazine. “Where’d you meet Rey?”

“High school! We didn’t really run in the same circles, but we were paired up a lot in Lit.” Rey nodded, although she had no recollection of this. Rey fought the desire to look at Ben, not wanting to see the effect of Poe’s indiscriminate mouth. 

“No way! You know Rey from High School? That explains you knowing her by a different last name. What was it? Plutt?”

“Yeah.” Rey answered, wanting a change in subject.

“Skywalker’s a huge upgrade.” Rey smiled at Poe. Say what you will about Poe, he’s all heart. 

“You changed your name?” Bazine asked, tone polite as she sought to close the distance between herself and Ben. 

“I was adopted.” Rey explained, eyes roving over the room, looking for Rose. 

“Oh my god! You were? Did your family come back?” Silence met Bazine’s question. Rey belatedly realized why Bazine seemed to remember her so well; it was an exciting time when the gossip mill found out her tragic backstory.

“Why would Rey’s family need to adopt her?” Ben asked, clear disdain in his voice. Bazine looked put out.

“Oh yeah, right.” Bazine brightened, “So Skywalker you said? Isn’t that Ben’s uncle’s name? Luke Skywalker?” Rey was impressed she knew Ben’s familial relationships considering they’d just met.

Rey nodded. Bazine apparently wasn’t finished with this line of questioning; “Hey, are you guys cousins?” 

Rey was stunned. Were they cousins? Rey looked up in search of Ben's gaze, and realized with a jolt he’d been staring at her in his usual intense way. She wanted to give him a small smile, to show she wasn’t fazed about being reminded about all this, but her mind was stuck on the fact that they were cousins? 

She fought an inane urge to laugh.

“Oh my god!” Poe burst out, “You guys are cousins! I never thought about that!” Poe looked around the room. “Finn! Come here man you have to hear this!” Finn was currently talking to a woman with wild, curly hair. He tried to ignore Poe. Unfortunately he was within an arm’s reach and was brought into their circle with a well placed grab by Poe. 

“Hey!”

“I’ll bring him back when I’m done.” Poe explained to Finn’s conversational partner. 

“Poe, she was laughing at my jokes.” 

“I laugh at your jokes.” 

“Yeah but I won’t get lucky with you.”

“That’s quitters talk.” Finn’s expression morphed from chagrined to intrigued. 

“What?” He took a step closer to Poe.

“What?”

“Why’d you bring me over here?” Poe shook his head. 

“Oh right. Rey and Ben are cousins!” 

“Oh my god!” Finn breathed out.

“Right?” Poe added. 

“Can you guys even get married?” Finn continued, ignoring Poe.

“Why would they get married?” Bazine asked, her voice marginally too loud. 

“Why couldn’t we get married?” Rey asked, her voice louder than marginal. 

“First cousins aren’t allowed to legally wed.” Phasma explained, materializing next to Rey.

“Where did you.. When did you..” Rey asked, thoughts fragmenting as she tried to figure out Phasma’s sudden appearance when most of her brain was focused on the idea that she couldn’t marry Ben. 

“This conversation is far more interesting than Rose and Hux picking out pet names for one another.” Phasma explained 

“Rose! Rose has to hear this.” Finn interjected. 

“See! Hux ruins everything!” Poe explained. 

“Well that assumes-”

“-Is that true?” Rey asked, cutting off Phasma, focused on Ben. He queried an eyebrow at her, if Rey were a bit less rattled she’d realize that Ben wasn’t asking for clarification so much as wondering why it mattered. But Rey was single minded in her questioning; “That cousins can’t get married?” 

“Some territories have laws against first cousins marrying.” Ben answered, his voice carefully devoid of emotion. He was studying Rey’s face intently, but he needn’t bothered; Rey was devastated and her face showed it in perfect clarity. 

“So we couldn’t...?” Rey asked, unable to get the sentence out. The room felt hot and crowded.

“Rose is going to die when she finds out she missed this.”

“We could.” Ben amended. Rey felt like she could breathe again. “Chandrila does allow first cousins to marry, as does Jakku. But even if we moved somewhere else, say Coruscant, which doesn’t allow it, we’d merely need to supply the paperwork showing you were adopted, and blood samples to prove we weren’t biologically related.” 

“Oh.” Rey said, “That’s…” But she couldn’t think of the right adjective to use, feeling equal parts relieved and morose; lost in Ben’s gaze. The way he looked at her sometimes, like nothing mattered except them. She wondered how stupid it would be to break the distance between them and kiss him. 

“So, are you guys together?”

“Yeah - what?” Rey asked, tearing her eyes from Ben to Bazine’s. She hadn’t realized she’d been moving until she saw they were a hand’s breadth apart, her hand resting on his forearm. Rey had to blink a few times to focus, lost as she was in thought.

“Are you guys dating?” She clarified. 

“Oh. No.” Rey answered. Rey heard Ben’s scoff and chose not to comment. 

“I’m getting a drink.” Ben stated, and promptly turned away. 

“Yeah, I think I’ll get one too.” Bazine agreed, with very little mysterious motivation. Rose and Hux came across them a moment later. 

“Why is everyone just staring at Rey?” Hux asked, an arm slung around Rose’s waist. Rey looked up from her hands to see that in fact, everyone in the group was looking at her. 

“What did I miss?” Rose asked. 

Rey was practically an expert at diffusing uncomfortable situations; being the third wheel to Ben and Luke growing up had trained her well. She’d easily distracted the group by bringing up Hux’s cat, and managed to nearly enjoy the rest of the evening. But even Rey’s talents were no match to a roommate who knew every diversion tactic you employed, and seemed to have developed quite a few counter measures. He was slowly torturing Rey into submission, which Ben insisted meant conversation. 

“Ben! Not again.” Rey groaned out, as she shut the front door. With jerky movements she took off her shoes, stowing them in the spot Ben kept nagging her about using, hung up her coat, even though it was just a bit too tall to comfortably reach, and placed her backpack on the floor of the hallway, even though it was the least convenient spot for it. 

Ben had been listening to the same audio record, on repeat, for the past two days. Rey was fairly certain he wasn’t even starting it until she was due home, but could never quite catch him in the act. 

When her exclamation hadn’t produced a response from Ben, Rey collapsed on the couch, her legs hanging off the arm as she looked up at Ben’s profile. He pretended to be transfixed at the words in his book, though he offered her his bowl of food. Rey huffed in annoyance, to let him know she could see right through him, and then twisted until she was sitting upright, using the back of the couch to steady her form as she leaned over the bowl to bring a forkful of rice and veg meat to her mouth. Ben watched her out of the corner of his eye - probably to make sure she didn’t spill any food - but ignored her gaze when he took the fork back. 

Ever since Ben had returned and they’d fallen into their current dynamic, wherein Rey would inevitably slip up and show her barely disguised feelings and Ben would insist on discussing it. 

Which devolved to arguing. A lot of arguing. Followed by a cooling off period, and finally firm denial on Rey’s part that anything was wrong, with an uptick of gym sojourns by Ben. 

It wasn’t exactly healthy, but it was a routine, and Rey thrived on routine. 

Except this time Ben had requested that they discuss their latest incident in therapy (don’t ask), and so they were in a strange holding pattern, where Ben had a lot he wanted to say, but instead was saying very little. Rey didn’t want to discuss it at all, and kept imagining scenarios where they wouldn’t need to.

And Ben kept listening to the same songs. It was enough to make Rey wish deafness.

“Care to dance?” It was unclear who was more surprised by Rey’s query, but when Ben met Rey’s gaze for the first time in days, Rey felt an overriding joy for suggesting it. Ben just looked confused. 

“You want to dance?” Ben was still holding Rey’s gaze; she felt lightheaded by the contact.

“...Yes.” Rey agreed, once her brain reminded her Ben had spoken.

“All right.” Ben agreed, setting down the book and bowl. Eyeing her with nearly contained bemusement he sat up, reaching out a hand for hers. Rey’s happiness settled on uneasiness as she wondered how this was a good idea. Then she realized she was still staring into Ben’s eyes, who hadn’t glanced away, who didn’t look hurt, and she felt that giddy relief once more. 

Rey released her breath all at once, unaware she’d been holding it, and she reached out with her other hand, clasping his, coming to stand and rest her other hand on his shoulder. Even after sharing a bed with Ben night after night she still knew his body best from their years of fight practice, and tried to catalog how dancing fell between these two extremes. 

She let Ben lead, taking them from between the couch and coffee table to the open space in front of the kitchen. Rey was keenly aware of the distance between them, the pressure of his hand against her lower back, that she’d be able to feel his breath if she took a step closer to him. 

Uncomfortably similar to both activities, then. 

Rey opened her mouth to say something, anything, to distract herself from the mounting feelings rising within her when Ben cut her off. 

“Just - wait, please. Until the song ends.” Rey closed her mouth, nodded once, and then laid her head against his shoulder. She noted how perfectly it felt to be so close to him. 

It was still a terrible album, but Rey supposed this song wasn’t as bad as the rest.


	5. 5

Rey was sitting on Amilyn Holdo’s couch, watching the clock quietly. Ben was late, stuck in traffic, and Rey attempted not to squirm as Amilyn stared at her, their pleasantries long said and a deep silence taking its place.

Rey understood the concept of therapy.

She’d been forced into it a few times when CPS came calling, and knew exactly what to say so that they’d leave her alone. She’d also had a few sessions while Ben was gone, when her emotional state had worried Luke to the point he’d insisted she see someone. She could even agree with the sentiment of it. 

But sitting with Ben’s therapist - with Ben it was uncomfortable, without him it was near unbearable. Rey struggled for something to say, but her mind kept turning to the conversation she wanted to forget. It was like worrying a tooth, her mind straying to the thought that she could marry Ben while knowing that she wouldn’t.

“Rey, may I ask you something?” Rey’s eyes darted from a miniature Adonis statue to Amilyn. She hated it when people stretched out loaded questions.

“Yes.”

“Why do you come here?” Rey blanched. Rey knew, intellectually, Amilyn wasn’t asking the question to be cruel, but her mind always added “when you aren’t wanted” to those types of statements. Rey forced herself to take a breath and answer honestly.

“Ben said.. It’s helpful to him when I’m here.”

“And it is. For him. But it makes you terribly unhappy.” Rey opened her mouth to refute her, and then closed it, Ben wasn’t here, she didn’t have to pretend Amilyn was wrong. Rey worked her jaw, wondering how to explain her actions. But it always came back to the simple truths, didn’t it?

“Ben deserves so much. And I can give him this.”

“You’re referring to Ben’s desire for a romantic relationship with you.”

Rey’s response was nearly silent in decibel.

“Yes.” Amilyn watched her with an unreadable expression on her face.

“Rey, I’ve seen you once a month for six months, and heard about you from Ben from the last ten in nearly all our sessions. May I discuss something I’ve seen in you?”

Rey could only nod.

“Your childhood has taught you many wonderful gifts, which you use to your credit in your life now. But it has also taught you two lessons you’ve never tried to overcome: you assume you are less deserving of love and fulfillment based on your circumstances, and you assume you can be fine if your physical needs are met, ignoring your emotional well being.”

“That’s not -” Rey broke off, took a few deep calming breaths. “I know that I’m worthy of love, Ben just… he deserves more than me. Did he tell you? When he came back we had this fight and he asked me how I could have waited thirteen years for my parents and not even a year for him - and he’s right.” Rey would have stopped there, but it felt wonderful to finally confess everything she was feeling, without putting it through a filter that would make Ben understand without knowing too much.

“He thinks - he assumes I won’t be with him because he waited four months to seek me out, but during that time I was cursing his memory and all he wanted was for me to think I still had one person who loved me, who always chose me. And I couldn’t do that for him! Thirteen years and I assumed the best intent with the people who abandoned me, and it took a fraction of that time to turn on Ben, the one person who-” But Rey couldn’t say any more, she had to stop. This was too much.

“He thinks I’m far better than I am.” She finished. “And I’m not, but I can be for this. I can step aside so he finds someone who doesn’t - who thinks the best of him.” Rey waited for Amilyn’s retort, ready to fight against whatever argument she gave.

The clock sounded loud, a countdown to Amilyn’s response.

“Let’s take this hypothetical to its conclusion.” Amilyn finally responded, “You and Ben stay friends, with your ineffable bond, and he chooses another person, and they create a life together, perhaps even having children.”

Rey nodded, if this was supposed to throw her it wouldn’t work; she’d already imagined this countless times, casting herself as the aunt to his children. It hurt, of course it hurt, but it felt righteous; the situation she deserved.

“His partner sees your connection, and views it as a threat to her family.” Amilyn stopped speaking, but she didn’t need to continue.

Rey saw the rest in her mind's eye. She would place an ultimatum on Ben; Rey or his family, and Rey knew, no matter how much it would hurt him, he’d have to choose his children. Ben had spent his childhood dealing with a parent’s neglect, he’d vowed never to repeat it.

Rey understood pain.

The first jab was always the worst, but you breathed through it, you let it settle on you, and you worked through it, she just had to breathe through the pain.

And Rey knew distantly, clinically, that she was breathing, she could feel the air whistling through her open mouth, filling up her lungs, leaving in an erratic breath, but the pain didn’t settle, it grew, eclipsing everything else.

She was breathing, wasn’t she?

She would be ok.

She would be - Rey could always cope. She could do this, just respond to Amilyn, just pretend it was ok, and it would be ok, it would be fine, she’d be fine.

Except the hypothetical continued without her permission, Ben becoming an acquaintance she’d see sporadically, always in groups, without any real intimacy between them- it was more than she could bear.

Rey struggled to listen to her breathing, to remind herself she was fine, she had food, and a place to sleep, and - but the third thing wouldn’t come, because all she could hear was her startled gasps, her attempts to breath thwarted by something pressing on her insistently - her mind was temporarily teleported to a changing room, watching Ben as he struggled to breath - had he felt like this?

Rey knew Amilyn was searching through her desk for something, speaking to her in a low tone, but all she could feel was her pain, was her panic, would it always feel like this? She saw Ben grow older, laughing at a joke she couldn’t hear, moving far away. She needed to stop thinking about this, but her mind was on an endless loop, casting her deeper within herself, she couldn’t even tell if she was still breathing -

And then Ben was there. He was hugging her tightly, she could hear him muttering something, but it took too much concentration to focus on the words, so she let them lull her erratic thoughts, let it guide her back into her body.

The first thing she noticed was how rough his coat was on her cheek.

The next was that her breath was slower, even with his.

And finally Rey heard what he was reciting.

“Is that A Little Princess?” Rey asked. Her voice sounded sleepy. Ben jumped, startled, and Rey wondered how long it had been since she’d spoken. Ben pulled back, hands coming to rest on her cheeks as he tilted her head so he could look at her. His voice was achingly gentle when he responded, his eyes bright.

“It’s your favorite book.” Rey shifted, noting how she’d been inelegantly pulled close to him.

“You memorized it?”

“Yes.” Rey scrunched up her nose. She noticed her hands had been hanging limply in her lap and she rested them on his chest, fingers curling on the lapel of his coat.

“You said it was dumb.”

“I was thirteen when I said that.” Ben’s voice became firm, “What did Amilyn say?”

“Amilyn gave me a hypothetical.” Something settled over Ben’s face.

“About me?” Rey could only nod. “Rey, I’m not that man anymore, that’s all behind us. It doesn’t matter if Palpatine himself rises to power, I won’t go down that path again.” Rey looked at him in confusion.

“I know that.”

“So, what...” Rey struggled to feel offense.

“I didn’t ask you to explain yourself when you were like this before.” Ben ran his hand through his hair, before settling on her back. His other hand hadn’t moved from her cheek.

“Snoke had convinced me that if you ever met my family they would turn you against me, that you wouldn’t accept me as I was, only how they wanted me to be. I was terrified I would lose you.” Rey looked at him in surprise, and then acceptance.

A truth for a truth. A bargain. Their long ago method for connecting.

She could do that.

“Amilyn said, she explained the natural conclusion to our friendship.” Ben looked puzzled, and Rey struggled to explain. “You’ll get married and have kids, and your spouse will hate me, and she’ll have every reason to, and you’ll have to choose them over me, and we won’t even be friends.” Rey’s voice was wooden, still exhausted from before. She wondered idly where Amilyn was, staring down at her hands clasped on his coat label.

“Rey. Look at me.” Rey looked up. “That won’t happen.”

“Yes Ben it -”

“No,” He cut her off, “Because I’m not marrying anyone unless it’s you.” Rey felt her heart thudding. “I thought it was obvious; I’m waiting for you.”

“What? Ben.” But she didn’t know what to say.

“You’ve spent your whole life waiting for people, you deserve to have someone waiting for you. You get to decide Rey; either we spend our lives platonically, or romantically, but either way I’m spending it with you. You’re my family.” Rey searched Ben’s face, and he looked right back. She wanted so desperately to melt into his chest, to let go, to stop fighting, but-

“You deserve so much more than me.” Rey confessed, terribly afraid. She waited for Ben to roll his eyes, to dismiss her statement, to insist she was the better of them. Except no matter how often he said those things, he couldn’t reach that voice in her head that insisted he deserved more.

“Rey, why do your sins weigh heavier than mine?” Rey opened her mouth, but no argument formed on her tongue. Ben took the advantage. “Your arrogance is showing.”

“My arrogance?!” Rey was beyond baffled.

“Your arrogance. You think it’s your role to be the forgiving one, and you can’t accept that you thought worse of me than I was. So what?”

“So what?” Rey felt like a child.

“It was the logical choice to make. And it is arrogant not to forgive yourself when I already have. It’s arrogant to keep us apart because you have a severely misplaced sense of inferiority. Which person out of the two of us knocked the other one out and tied them up? Which one lied to the other for years about joining with Snoke? I could continue like this for days.” For once Rey’s rebuttals were silent.

Ben noticed Rey’s response (or lack of one), and pulled her close, kissing her mouth chastely. It was short, a placeholder of thoughts and feelings. He rested his forehead on hers for a long moment, and then pulled her into a tight hug, his head resting on her shoulder. When he spoke she could feel it throughout her body.

“Rey.” Her name sounded like a prayer, coming from his lips. “I meant it when I said I’m content with the way things are. Just promise me you’ll really think about why you’re more comfortable with us like this.”

Rey wiggled so her arms were free, and then she wrapped them around Ben’s body, pulling him just as tightly against herself.

“Okay.” She agreed, “I promise.”


	6. 6

Rey was stubborn. You had to be, growing up the way she had. She dug her heels in, and she endured what others would only look on in horror. Rey had always viewed it as an asset, keeping her optimism despite the circumstances, resisting when the world wanted her brow beaten, believing in her parents despite every ounce of evidence and reason.

But now Rey wondered, sitting in Ben’s kitchen while she watched cookies bake in the oven, if her stubbornness was a hindrance. Did she make her life harder than it had to be?

Rey knew she used to.

There was a reason she didn’t let Luke in when she’d first met him. Why it had taken years to open up about how difficult her life was. She’d known, even then, that Luke would have saved her. Taken her away. But she didn’t want to be saved. She just wanted to tough it out, to make it through until her parents returned. Any luxury (necessity, she now knew) Luke offered was a slap in the face to her family, and couldn’t be accepted with any honor involved. Rey had believed with the strength of a fanatic that her family would return, that every suffering would be soothed with the balm of their love. It would all be worth it.

But meeting Ben had changed that. He’d been able to reach her in ways even Luke hadn’t been able to. He’d offered her belonging, he’d accepted her friendship as though it had intrinsic worth, and antagonized her when he thought she wasn’t asking for enough. His belief in her had given her the power to rise above the (relative) comfort of a well known situation and want more than what she had. To fight beyond. To desire more.

And so Rey thought her stubborn refusal to reach for more was in the past. She’d accepted Ben’s love when he’d turned away from Snoke. She accepted Luke’s offer of a last name, a home, a poorly concealed scholarship offer when she’d been admitted to the college in Coruscant. She’d even accepted her group of friends' love and affection, opening up to them about her background and Ben’s departure and heartbreaking silence.

The girl of Rey’s youth couldn’t have done all of that.

And then when it turned out that Rey had misjudged Ben - the one person in her life who time and again proved that he would always choose her - she had been certain that the correct choice was to free him, to let him be with someone who could see all his goodness, to not be blinded by past hurts.

If only she could have that certainty now.

Instead Rey’s thoughts ran on loop, giving context to Ben’s admonishment. Was she being arrogant in forgiving everyone else's failings but her own? Was she reverting to the complacency of pining for a situation she wouldn’t let herself have because it wasn’t exactly as she imagined?

The oven timer spared Rey from the thoughts continuing on its path, and she growled in frustration as she rose to her feet, using the oven mitt to take out yet another tray of cookies while she used her hip to close the oven door and then mindlessly reached for the bowl of cookie dough.

Shaping balls of dough could have been soothing had her thoughts been more pleasant, but as it was Rey wished her hands were occupied in lightsaber forms and fighting stances.

Nearly a decade of alerting oneself to sounds meant that even though Rey was lost to the churning thoughts in her head she also heard the tones of a key being inserted into the front door, the metallic turn of a handle, gentle brush as it was pushed open, and the caged energetic movements Ben used when he was nervous. But her thoughts were so engaged she startled when Ben’s voice rang out; he hadn’t put down his things yet.

“Why are there nearly four dozen cookies in here?” Rey turned, hands engaged in forming the last ball of dough and more than a bit curious at the worried tone in his voice.

“Because Han asked us to make a batch of your grandmother's famous oatmeal cookies for your celebratory dinner tonight?” Ben’s face morphed from worried to chagrined, finally settling on displeased. Without a word he walked back to the hallway, and the sounds of his usual coats/bags/shoes removal process was heard.

“It’s rude to bring food into a restaurant.”

“Then it’s a good thing they’re meeting us here first.” Ben made a noise of protest, returning to the kitchen and rolling up his sleeves. Rey’s eyes followed Ben’s movements, lingering on his exposed forearms.

“Why, pray tell, are they coming here first?” Rey ignored the telling feel of her cheeks warming.

“They said something about seeing what your place looks like now.”

“You shouldn’t encourage them.” Ben admonished. Rey’s eyes snapped up to meet his, but only saw the back of his head, as he’d turned to the fridge, opening it to reach for the water pitcher.

“I like retaining my status as the favorite.” Rey joked, placing the last ball of dough on the tin. “Will you put these in the oven for me?” But Ben was pouring water into a glass, leaning against the counter.

“Sounds like a job for the favorite.” Ben replied. Rey rolled her eyes at him, but when he didn’t move from his spot, casually drinking from his glass, Rey stepped closer to him, raising her hands.

“Do you really want these on your oven mitts?” Rey asked. They both looked at her hands, covered in cookie dough.

“Not really, no.”

“So?”

“So you could wash your hands.” He was smirking behind his water glass. Trying to torment her.

“I could also put them in your hair.” He lost his smirk, eyeing the distance between her hands and his head.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oatmeal’s supposed to be good for hair.” Rey continued, taking a step closer to Ben. Ben put down the glass.

“Won’t everyone be here soon?” Ben reminded Rey, trying to be the voice of reason.

“That’s why the cookies need to go in the oven now.” Rey explained patiently. She then ignored her own advice and made the first move, unsure of her own actions as she reached out for Ben’s hair.

Ben reached for Rey's wrists, making purchase on both. His grip was light, and Rey could easily pull away from him. Rey raised an eyebrow at his touch. It had been more than a year since either of them had been in a fight, and even longer since they’d been opponents, but Rey was surprised Ben would be so gentle. Ben smiled down at her, seeming to offer an end to this now.

Rey pulled her hands gently away from Ben, conciliatory until he lowered his guard. She then reached out again, the palm of her right hand lightening fast to make purchase on his hair as the left fisted the fabric of his shirt to help keep her purchase. Rey laughed in delight at her victory, carding her hand through his hair and coming to rest it at the back of his neck. She felt Ben’s hands dig into her waist - no doubt to push her away. Rey’s eyesight dropped to his, ready to meet the indignation with a challenge, but he didn’t look upset. He was staring at her like she was all he could see, and Rey realized Ben’s grasp was to keep himself from pulling her closer.

This would have been the moment Rey closed down. Made some offhand remark to diffuse the tension and return them to the status quo.

Rey knew this was the moment, but for once the effort of stopping this was more than she was willing to give. Instead she searched Ben’s face, finally willing to openly, truly look at him, without guards or artifice. She felt a sense of privilege watching as a tremulous smile began to form, feeling its twin appear on her face. This was liberating. It was terrifying. It was overwhelming; had her heart ever been this full?

She wanted to kiss him. She could kiss him. But what if he pushed her away? How could she show him she was finally ready to commit?

“We should get married.” It was a toss up to describe who looked more surprised by her pronouncement.

“Married?” Ben echoed. He sounded bewildered, but the smile hadn’t left his face, and his eyes had crinkled, filled with warmth.

“Yes.” Rey continued, warming up to the idea now that she’d spoken it, delighting in the feel of Ben’s arms around her. “I think it makes sense to wait until after I graduate and you get a permanent placement. And Leia will want to plan everything if she knows, so we either keep it a secret and elope or tell everyone and expect a huge wedding.” Ben looked at her in shock, and so Rey continued, “It’s fine, I think they’ll forgive us once we have kids.”

“Kids?”

“I’ve been thinking about four, but six also sounds good to me.” Seeing Ben’s incredulous expression Rey rationally explained, “That way there won’t be any middle child. I don’t want them to ever feel alone.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” Ben asked, gaze searching hers. His eyes were unnaturally bright and his voice was full of hope.

“Ever since you turned from Snoke.” She confessed, left hand unconsciously smoothing his shirt from the creases her grip inflicted. He could have looked ridiculous covered in oatmeal and cookie dough, but Rey had never seen such a precious sight. Ben pulled her close.

“Is that a yes?” Rey asked, mouth hovering over his.

“Yes.” Ben breathed his response, and Rey felt as if he pressed the message against her lips, reinforced when his lips found hers.

It was unlike any kiss they’d shared before. It was nearly chaste in its application, Rey settling her lips against Ben’s, firmly pressed yet taking no liberties. It could have felt lackluster, but Rey felt such an abundance of happiness it was nearly agonizing, and she delighted in the stability and serenity the gentle kiss gave her. She could feel Ben shaking, and leaned back to check on him. There were tears in his eyes, and Rey settled her hand on his cheek, rubbing a stray tear away.

“You’re covering me in cookie dough.” Rey let out a bark of laughter, reflexively pulling away. Ben didn’t let her, tightening his hold on her, settling his hand on hers so it rested once more on his cheek.

“You should have opened the oven door.” Rey reminded him, her cheeks nearly hurting from the strength of her smile.

“See if I ever open another door for you.” Ben replied, voice gentle even though his words weren’t. He placed delicate kisses across Rey’s face; she felt cherished. It was intoxicating.

Belatedly Rey realized she could move her hands, and she hastily began unbuttoning his shirt, groaning in frustration when her fingers felt his undershirt. Abandoning the effort her fingers skirted to the end of the garment and she pulled until she reached Ben’s skin. It was Ben’s turn to groan, and he pulled her in for another kiss.

This kiss fell closer in line to the ones they’d shared before, and Rey luxuriated in the feel of Ben’s soft lips, that she was free to touch any part of him, her mind spun with the possibilities. She opened her mouth, overwhelmed by the need coming over her.

“Not even a shower curtain?” Rey asked against Ben’s mouth. There was a prolonged delay before the words she uttered broke through the haze surrounding Ben’s higher brain functions, and then he reared back as if bitten, which in itself was not a poor idea. Rey smiled up at Ben, who looked down at her as if she’d never been so clever.

“I suppose I could make exceptions for shower curtains.” Ben agreed, trying to sound put upon but only succeeding in unabashed joy. Rey’s laughing retort was overshadowed by the look in Ben’s eye at seeing Rey so open before him. Before Rey could properly work up a retort Ben’s hands were on her hips, pulling her flush against him.

Instinctively Rey rose to the tips of her toes, delighting in how much easier it was to reach Ben’s lips, in the sensual pull in every spot where their bodies connected, while Ben’s hands found their way underneath her sweatshirt, roaming along the planes of her back and sending excited shivers as his thumb neared her side. Any progress to anything shower related was hampered by Rey’s insistence on kissing Ben, and Ben’s obvious distraction by the tactic.

They’d just settled for leaning against the fridge, Rey’s kisses stuttering against Ben’s lips in tune to the agonizingly slow circles Ben was employing to reach her breast when a series of loud knocks broke through the haze around them and Rey realized to her detriment that it wasn’t even the first set she’d heard. Ben’s resulting groan from her increased distance was far less pleasant to hear than the last one.

“Do your parents have a key to the apartment?” Rey asked, looking up at Ben. Ben was momentarily distracted by her switch from her using “the” instead of “your” when describing his apartment, before catching onto her question. The look he gave her did not bode well.

“They won’t have a key to the bathroom.” Ben pointed out, leaning in to press open mouthed kisses against Rey’s neck. Such a tactic might have worked had not a new series of knocks been heard.

“Maker!” Rey groaned in a loud whisper. With a pained expression she unwrapped her limbs from around Ben, slinking back to stand on the floor. For a moment they only stared at each other. Despite the inopportune timing Rey felt an overwhelming sense of joy. She impulsively reached up to kiss Ben’s cheek.

“I love you.” She told him, full of good cheer. “In case the marriage proposal didn’t make that obvious.” Ben’s resulting smile felt like the sun returning after a long and dreary night. His answering response of a soft “I know.” should have produced an eye roll but Rey found she was too happy to be annoyed.

“You should probably shower while I go answer the door.” Rey said, hand unconsciously reaching for him. Ben smiled down at her, gaze warm in affection, streaks of sticky oatmeal drying.

This was the vision Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and Luke were graced with when they entered the kitchen.

Rey had erroneously thought the most awkward interaction she’d have with Ben’s parents was behind her, that first time she’d walked into their house with a surly, brainwashed Ben, bruises on her wrists from him restraining her a few nights before, and ending in a quasi-lovers quarrel his whole family overheard.

It turned out that washing her hands while Ben disappeared into the bathroom to shower, trying to defend the position that they had indeed been in the middle of a food fight and that’s why they didn’t hear the knocking was much, much worse.

“I’d say it’s fairly lucky you ended up without any dough on you while Ben was covered in it, wouldn’t you?” Luke asked lightly, seeming to revel in Rey’s hunched shoulders and forced calm manner.

Rey had assumed with Leia out of the way she would be safe.

She was wrong.

“Seems those monks in Ach-To had the right idea after all; Ben didn’t put up much of a fight.” Rey replied lightly, taking particular care to dry her hands. Han and Chewie were determined to sample the cookies from each plate, insisting on checking for discrepancies, while Leia was going through Rey’s closet to pick out an outfit for her.

Rey had been so overwhelmed by their arrival she hadn’t even thought to protest.

“Surprising that his hands were relatively clean whereas yours were covered, isn’t it?” Rey shot Luke a dirty look, who seemed delighted to receive it.

“You and Ben are more alike than you think.” Rey had to force herself to keep her tone even. Luke looked pleased at the remark and Rey was reminded it hardly had the same effect on Luke as on Ben.

“Looks like the oven’s still on.” Luke responded, and Rey was saved from responding from that by Leia’s voice.

“Rey, if your hands are clean I have something for you to try on.” Leia called out from the bedroom. Rey had never been more pleased to obey such a request.

“Your brother,” Rey began, and then promptly broke off when she saw what Leia held up. “I’ve never seen that before.” Leia displayed a cream jumpsuit. It had cap sleeves, a high neckline, and the legs seemed like they would fall just above her ankles. Rey reached out a hand, feeling the material; it was heavenly; thick yet flexible. Leia twisted the hanger and Rey noted that the back was nearly entirely exposed, with small, ivory buttons at the collar and lower back to fasten it. Rey looked at Leia, who pretended to pick lint off the collar. Rey turned back to the outfit. It looked expensive, which was how Rey usually described how Leia and Ben dressed, but never herself.

“Leia, did you get this for me?” It was the only thing that made sense, but Rey couldn’t quite make sense of the situation. Too much had happened in too short a time.

“Try it on.” Leia encouraged.

A year ago she would have refused. Perhaps even earlier today she would have felt too embarrassed to accept such a gift, but everything felt different, and Rey slowly undressed, her eyes falling back on the outfit with each item of clothing removed. Putting on the outfit took more than a moment to figure out, but then her arms were through the sleeve, and Leia helpfully began on the buttons.

“Thank you.” Rey said, reminded too late she should have said it already.

“I should be thanking you. Han’s never let me pick out his clothes and Ben can’t appreciate a garment unless it broods. Although if you’d really like to show your appreciation you’ll let me braid your hair.”

“All right.” Rey agreed. Leia’s hands paused in their work, and then continued their pace.

“And what about lipstick?” Leia asked lightly. Rey laughed.

“Now that goes too far.”

Leia was putting pins into the crown of braids encircling Rey’s head when Ben strode into the bedroom in a black suit, collar undone and damp hair tousled from his recent shower. Rey instinctively looked away from Ben, and then remembered she could look as much as she liked.

“Really Ben, is that necessary?” Leia admonished him. Rey recalled what Leia had said about Ben’s preference for brooding garments and grinned.

“I could say the same about what you’re doing to Rey.” Ben quipped, pulling out one of matte black ties.

“She’s in an amenable mood.” Leia explained, placing the last pin in her hair. “There we are. Doesn’t she look beautiful?” Rey was about to point out she was right there and didn’t need to be spoken about in the third person when Ben’s eyes found hers, and she felt her heart rate speed up as his eyes softened.

“Tolerable.” Ben agreed.

“Ben!” Leia chastised. Rey laughed, coming to stand before him.

“But not handsome enough to tempt you?” Rey asked, completing the line. Ben opened his mouth when Han popped his head into the bedroom.

“Reservation’s in twenty, and Chewie’s watching your holovid, if we don’t get him moving now we won’t make the reservation. Are the kids ready to go?”

“You still have an appetite after all the cookies you ate?” Luke asked, coming up behind him.

“How many did you have?” Leia asked, gathering her bag and not sounding the least surprised. Ben finished knotting his tie, looking down at Rey. He mouthed the words ‘Very tempted’, which elicited a laugh many in the room would later call giggling but Rey insisted was wry. Either way all eyes turned to them.

“Well don’t you two look like a bride and groom.” Luke drolly noted. Still smiling, Rey looked down at herself and then Ben, noticing the picture they made. She quirked an eyebrow up at him, offering him the chance to let them know or wait for another time. In response Ben reached for her hand, bringing it to his lips. It felt like a habit, something he’s done hundreds of times instead of once.

“Mom, Dad, Uncle Luke, we have a real reason to celebrate-”

“Ben!” Rey laughed.

“-Rey’s finally making an honest man out of me.”

Rey looked around the room to stunned faces. Clearly even with all their teasing they hadn’t expected such a pronouncement. Of the three it seemed Luke caught onto the message the quickest.

“You’re getting married?” Luke clarified; his gaze shifting between the two. Rey nodded, and her cry of “Yes!” was lost in a cacophony of joyous well wishes and nonstop questions and energetic calls for Chewie to join them.

Suffice to say, they missed their reservation entirely.

Epilogue

“Hey Rey,” Poe began, trying to maintain a casual tone and failing in every regard, “what the hell is that?”

Rey didn’t look up from the glass she was filling, more tired than she’d realized. It was only an hour into her shift and she’d already wished it was over more times than she could count.

Perhaps Ben had been right, and she should have called out.

“What’s what?” Rey asked, setting the beer in front of Poe. Finn, who’d gotten off shift earlier in the day, had already imbibed and been cut off, his head resting against Poe’s shoulder.

“Hey team!” Rose sing-songed, coming up to the counter. “Where’s Ben? Should we get a table? Armi’s on his way.” Normally Rose’s last statement would have released a chorus of groans, but Phasma let out a well placed cough, reminding the group they’d promised to be less hostile towards Hux. Even if Rose had decided on the most ridiculous nickname imaginable.

“Rose, what does that look like to you?” Poe asked, ignoring her question and pointing at Rey’s chest. Rey felt a distant, yet familiar, surge of anger and opened her mouth to give Poe a piece of her mind when she caught sight of Rose’s comically surprised expression.

“Maker Rey! Is that - Are you - Did Ben?” Rey looked down and remembered her newest accessory.

“Oh.” Rey realized, a touch embarrassed that she’d thought so poorly of Poe, “Yes. Ben gave it to me. We’re getting it resized; Leia’s fingers are tiny.” Thinking this explained everything nicely Rey began cleaning the bar.

No one else agreed with this assessment.

“Darling Rey, is there something you wish to share with the class?” Phasma asked, hand covering Rey to still her movements. Rey looked up to see four pairs of eyes pinning her down.

“Like what?” Rey asked, bewildered.

“Like are you and Ben finally dating?” Rose exclaimed.

“Are you getting married?” Finn asked in a daze, leaning further onto Poe’s shoulder.

“Are you already married?” Poe rounded off the line of questioning, putting his arm around Finn so the man’s weight wouldn’t push him off his stool. Rey laughed, amused despite herself.

“Did Ben put you up to this?” Rey asked, still smiling.

“Did Ben put us up to what?” Hux asked, joining the group at last. For once Rose didn’t give him a nauseatingly long kiss, too engrossed in Rey’s behavior to do much beyond patting his hand.

“Come on.” Rey cajoled, “you’ve known for weeks.”

“Weeks?” Poe stated in disbelief.

“Yes, ever since that dinner party with his parents.” At stunned looks she continued, “We’ve been all over each other!”

“No more than usual.” Finn replied.

“There is a reason we made that rule against you two sitting next to each other.” Phasma pointed out.

“Yes but,” Rey tried to think of another example, “last night I told Ben I loved him in front of all of you. That didn’t set anything off?”

“That was odd.” Rose conceded, “But a month ago you got drunk and made up a poem about Ben’s hair. And then you had him sit still while you braided it, which would have been before this dinner party.” Rey had forgotten that, and was not very keen on remembering the details.

“I would hardly call it a poem -” Rey began, and then broke off when she saw Ben step through the door. He was still dressed in his suit, casually rumpled from the long day. Rey ducked behind the ale spouts so Ben wouldn’t spot her, and with very little time to lose Rey capitulated. “All right fine, I’ve never been very subtle-”

“Oh so you do know the meaning of the word!” Poe said, too gleeful for Rey’s taste.

“-but” Rey continued, ignoring Poe, “Ben will be insufferable if it gets out that you didn’t notice the difference between us before and now, so if you could just not say anything…” Rey pleaded, not wanting to come out and ask her friends to lie but willing to if necessary.

“Don’t worry Rey beam, we got your back.” Poe said, speaking for the group. Rey smiled, very much reminiscent of the nickname Poe used. She mouthed ‘thank you’ and straightened up just in time for Ben to appear.

“There you are.” Ben said, leaning over the bar and kissing Rey on the cheek.

“Here I am.” Rey responded, wondering if she’d ever get tired of that greeting.

“What were you doing behind the counter?” Ben asked, eyes already crinkled in anticipation of a good joke.

“Buying time to ask the group to pretend they noticed that you two started dating.” All eyes turned to Hux. Rose looked comically embarrassed; Phasma raised a hand to her forehead, defeated, and Poe looked delighted, his opinion vindicated. Finn held on more tightly to Poe, ignoring the conversation around him.

“This is why we don’t like you.” Rey told Hux.

“I can live with that.” He replied.

Ben grinned down at her, his eyes reminiscent of Luke’s.

It was going to be a long shift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aHHHHHH. It's over! 
> 
> But it's also just about to begin, Chapter 1 of the first Part of this series is going live next week.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah!! This is the work that began this series. Please enjoy the gratuitous pining.


End file.
